English jokes:



I can't help it  

Two men are going in a train. One of them asks the other, "Are you going to Smith's lecture today?"
"Yes, I am", said the other.
"Take my advice and don't go", said the first, "I hear he is a very bad lecturer".
"I can't help it", said the other."I must go, I'm Smith"

My father is speaking

 The telephone rings. The professor takes a receiver.
-Excuse me, sir. Jim Brown is ill, and he can't attend classes today.
-All right. Who's speaking?
-That's my father.

Quiet, John...

 A young man is pushing a pram in which a baby is loudly crying. The man keeps saying,"Quiet, quiet, John!"
An elderly lady addressed the young man,"Sir, do you really think you can calm down the baby like that?"
"No, madam",says the young man,"John is my name".

Teacher and pupil

 Teacher:Which travels faster - heat or cold?
Pupil: Heat, because you can catch a cold easily.

Supper

 Husband: Isn't the supper ready yet? I'm going to a restaurant.
Wife: Wait some minutes, please.
Husband: Will it be ready then?
Wife: No, but then I shall go with you.

Film

 Two men are talking after the film show.
-Where do you think these scenario writers get their ideas?
-Well, judging from the film we've just seen they get them from each other.

Earth

 Teacher: What's the shape of the Earth?
Tommy: Jim said it was round.
Teacher: How do you know it is round, Tommy? Can you prove it?
Tommy: All right. It's square, then. I don't want to start an argument about it.

Mary

 Two young men are talking.
-How are you getting on with Mary?
-We parted.
-But why? Did you tell her about your millionaire uncle?
-Yes, I did. Now she is my aunt.



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